Woven Starlight

New Blog Platform... We're Moving!

2011-09-10T15:27:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!

Please note that all future posts will be found on a NEW website:

www.lauranoelle.com

The direct link to my new blog is: http://blog.lauranoelle.com

Please join me on my new website for inspiring posts, comments and more!

Blessings!

Confessions of a 20-Something: I don't know who I am

2011-09-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

Identity.

We hear all about how adolescence is about finding out who we are, what we like and how that prepares us for adulthood.

Well, today, as a twentysomething, I'm making a confession: I still don't know who I am.

Some days I see the Laura who loves people, who is gentle and kind, who smiles, laughs and encourages others. She is a blessing to people and she's glimpses of the woman of God I aspire to be one day. But the problem with this Laura is that she's transient. Oh so quickly she can turn into depressed Laura, anxious Laura, angry Laura, or worse yet, destructive Laura who can take out her frustrations on herself and others. On days when she gets up grumpy and continues through the day with short remarks and a frown, she scares me. And I don't know who she is. So many times I think to myself, she can't possibly be me. I don't even recognize her!

I know she's not the Laura God created me to be. I know she's not the woman of God who mentors and counsel's teens; who advocates and educates youth leaders about the hard issues in mental health and society. I cannot help by stand back and stare at her, appalled that she is a part of me.

In my mind I can visualize the strong, joyful woman I want to become, and sometimes I catch reflections of her in myself. But reality is stronger and many days I can't imagine how I will ever be able to breach the chasm that separates my selfish sinful heart from softening into a woman after God's own heart.

But even in the hard days, the times of defeat and discouragement, I press on. It may not be today, tomorrow, or even months from now, but one day I am confident that GOD will mold my heart into a vessel He can use. I will keep trying, keep pursuing, keep seeking until I change--because I've learned it's not so much the finished result that will satisfy me, but rather the daily journey to get there.

**Ally Spotts is hosting a blog series where twentysomethings are sharing their confessions. Check them out here.

Quarter-Life Crisis

2011-08-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

There are dishes piled up in the sink, and papers strewn all over my bedroom floor. But the piles are unnoticed as I sit here typing as tears trickle down my cheeks.

What is going on you may ask? Well, it’s simple really. I’m having a quarter-life crisis.

I have been feeling the isolation, questioning and confusion for months. I watch incredible people take earth-shaking risks and find God’s blessing, and people who drop everything to do what they love. They know it’s not easy, but as they follow God’s call, they have found peace, strength and adventure.

And I want it to. My heart longs to hear the Spirit’s soft whisper of guidance and direction, to know that I am following His lead, not leading Him! I desire to live each day trusting that the provision will always be there, that even in the hardest of times, He will always take care of me.

I long, overall, for community. Tonight, my two wonderful friends, sisters and housemates (though one has now struck out on her own), went to a church that strives to create an environment of belonging in the local area. They are the true essence of a community—a safe place that reaches inward for communal strength from their God, then rushes outward to spread that love to everyone they come into contact with. And it is a beautiful sight.

And it makes my heart ache to be a part of such things. To interact with people outside of the church office where I work. To reach teenagers outside of the church building where I serve. To get OUT into the community and love on people who desperately need Jesus’ love shown to them.

So I am on a search to find God’s heart, and to find my place in His plan. To dream with Him and to live out those dreams every day of my life for the rest of my life. It will not be easy. It will not be comfortable. It will most definitely not be safe. But God never told us it would be simple and fun. The Bible doesn’t promise us a happy, secure life. Yes, it says we should be filled with the joy of the Lord, but even that can happen during a trial.

I am determined to move away from stagnation and get out of the rut. Who’s with me?

Quitting Life and Other Lessons from DreamLand

2011-08-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

Recently, I discovered I am not a 9-5 girl. In other words, I am not an office girl. A one-job girl. A sit here all day part-time or full-time girl.

I have too much energy. Too many dreams. I want to change the world, love teenagers, start programs, and write books at the beach. I want to take photographs, organize people's closets and speak to befuddled parents and youth workers. I want to shine light into the darkness and bring unspoken issues that are full of shame into the spotlight.

And besides, the 9-5 routine makes me feel stuck. I am a forward moving girl. I hate standing around. While I enjoy the stability of routine, I hate stagnation. I want freedom, new experiences, and the liberty to find my destiny--every day of the week!

I do NOT want to sit at a desk for the rest of my life. I don't even want to do it now! If you know me, don't get me wrong--I love my job. I just don't love my job. I enjoy working in ministry and I like the behind the scenes typing and organizing. I'm good at it. But I believe God created me for bigger things.

I came to this conclusion after realizing that I live for the weekends. Friday, Saturday and Sunday are my only days when I do not have the same work routines and I dream of seeing my house, cleaning, shopping, going places and hanging out with people. It's adventure time.

The four to five days in between are, well, dreaded and dragged through. Sadly, if I am not enjoying four days out of seven, I'm missing more than half of my life. That's a scary thought folks! I dread going to bed because I dread getting up in the morning. On some occasions, I want to just give up and quit everything.

Part of this comes from my overdoing personality that takes on more than I can adequately handle in a healthy manner. But even when I try to simplify and reduce my commitments, there is little satisfaction. Last week I found the blog of a 23 year old lady who quit her 9-5 job to live her dreams as a freelance photographer/graphic designer/blog designer, and let me tell you, I so wish I could be her! The funny thing is, I think God is using all these influences to shape me--to prepare me for a life so totally opposite 9-5. It might start sooner than I think. It might take longer than I think. I don't know what God's plans are. But I know I am ready for a change. For a radical revolution to the next step in life.

I have been told by adults and mentors that they expect nothing less from me than changing the world. Two other adults have told me that they want to be like me when they grow up. I know on every level that God has huge things in store for me. And that scares me out of my mind. But I also know that God's adventures, while radical and crazy and oftentimes, seemingly impossible, are the exact places we need to be, and I'll take that any day.

Today, I wish I could quit everything and live my dreams. And guess what? There's no telling when that will happen!

The Wisdom to Decide

2011-07-26T12:02:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been faced with some very life-changing and directing decisions. The impulse decision-maker I am is tempted to make a split-second choice, but I know wisdom follows another road. One of patience, of prayer and seeking. It is all too easy to conveniently "forget" to pray about a big decision, and then I find myself (again) a few months later trying to scramble around and pick up the pieces after the situation exploded in front of me. Thankfully, I have not been burned too badly, and instead have learned some valuable lessons.

1. It's okay to wait. I am not, by nature, a very patient person. I want what I want when I want it. The little girl inside me has yet to learn the true gratification from delayed response. She knows that patience is a virtue, but she would rather not wait! Most of us have some work to do in this area, and God keeps chipping away at our impatience. In the end, what has been patiently waited for is usually always better.

2. It's okay to slow down (even stop once in a while!). I am a do-er. I cannot sit still for very long without looking forward towards the next activity or project. It is very difficult for me to remain completely present in the moment because my mind is always two to three steps ahead of me. This past week I began to realize just how much I miss by not being fully present. I do not aspire to live my life this way! So, I am learning that it is okay to put things on hold and relax--to wait on the Lord and enjoy what He has given me NOW--not what I want to receive two years down the road!

I have much to learn on this life journey, but as I have been gently nudged by people who are very important to me, I have to learn to let go and let God take control. These decisions are not ones to be taken lightly, and though there are times when you have to jump in and take a risk, there are other times when God wants to teach wisdom and discernment. And it's okay to slow down enough to hear the directions!

What If We Were Real

2011-06-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

Today I listened to Mandisa's new album "What If We Were Real" and while all the songs make me want to get up and dance, the title track really stuck out to me.

From the first line, I felt like she was speaking directly to me...

"Well I'm tired of saying everything
I feel like I'm supposed to say.
I'm tired of smiling all the time,
I wanna throw the mask away."

So much of the so called "Christian life" has been made out to be one big masquerade, where church is the place for people with their lives together. And yes, followers of Christ are supposed to be a little more together than the rest of the world, but let me tell ya, we are all messed up and full of faults. And some days, even after being a disciple of Christ since childhood, I come to church in a puddle of repressed tears because I failed to be perfect that week. Yet, we fear judgement from people around us, so we keep holding everything inside.

I think it would be a glorious day if we just let it out.

"We keep trying to make it look so nice.
And we keep hiding what's going on inside.
But what if I share my brokenness,
what if you share how you feel.
What if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess.
What if we were real?"

Let's imagine a world where there was no pretending. Where the mask wasn't necessary, especially at church or with Christian friends. What if we opened up and let ourselves be vulnerable. Do you think it would deepen our friendships and lessen the burden of life?

Will you take a step of faith with me today and be a little more real?

Bleeding Hearts: the secret shame of self-injury

2011-03-01T09:14:00.000-08:00

“by His wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5 NIV)

The shouting from yet another argument rung in my ears. Feeling torn, broken and misunderstood, through dripping eyes I glanced at the drawer where I knew a razor lay. "Just once this time..." Muttering, I grabbed the blade and began to run it across my arm. Not once, but over and over again.

Finally the blade dropped and I bandaged my wounds as a sense of relief came over me. It would be temporary, but it was the only way I knew to control my life and let out the anxiety and pain.

***

Today is Self-Injury Awareness Day.

Most people are at a loss to understand why people choose this form of release to deal with stress in life. Why would someone purposely hurt themselves? Most self-injurious behaviors start in the teenage years when an individual is overwhelmed with circumstances in life and views self-injury (SI) as a way to deal with the pain without hurting anybody else. This is not the reality of it, though, and as one friend told me upon retrospection, "I wish more than anything that back then [when I started self-injuring] I had known how destructive it was."

So what exactly is self-injury? SI is an impulse control disorder used to temporarily calm out of control emotions and anxiety. It can include compulsive cutting, burning, carving, re-opening wounds, hair pulling, scratching, nail/finger biting and skin picking. While studies show that 14-39% of teens have self-injured at least once, the numbers are assumed to be quite higher, as it is a secretive behavior. One very strong correlation that has been found is in abuse victims. Close to 60% of those who self-injure have endured some type of abuse. Sexual abuse is particularly damaging to children and teenagers and many victims turn to SI as a way to punish themselves or literally cut out the imperfections and shame brought on by abuse.

The psychological foundation for SI lies in the belief that the emotional pain they are enduring is too much to handle, but physical pain is manageable, so covering inner pain with outer pain redeems them.

But there is hope. While SI can become an addiction, even that can be broken when replaced with healthy coping alternatives. I suggest starting by creating a list of 10 reasons not to hurt yourself, and countering that with 10 things you can do instead. Keep adding to the list and try to practice alternative methods.

For further help, please check out these resources:
To Write Love On Her Arms
Live Free Journey
S.A.F.E. Alternatives
Scars that Wound, Scars that Heal
Hope and Healing for Kids Who Cut
Inside A Cutter's Mind

Through the Fire

2011-02-19T22:00:00.000-08:00

"Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope
You're gonna do great things, I already know."

-"The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets

I used to wonder why the world felt so cold and dark around me. Why I felt like I was drowning without anyone left to listen and save me. I used to cry myself to sleep feeling completely alone in the depths of despair, to quote Anne of Green Gables.

A few years later, I learned a very valuable lesson. There is a reason I was allowed to feel such deep pain.

See, even the darkest night gives way to dawn. The angriest storm still creates a rainbow. And the deepest depression can open the doors to the greatest joy.

"Even the night shall be light around me; Indeed the darkness shall not hide from You, but the night shines as the day" - Psalm 139:11-12 (NKJV)

God knew that my pain was for a greater purpose, so He allowed it for a season. Not in spite, or to get enjoyment out of my suffering, but rather as a discipline for a greater good. I was going through the fire so that I might come out pure and filled with beauty.

In the past few years I have been learning to overcome depression on a daily basis, and have begun to experience true joy. I never could understand before that one can only feel as high as they have been low. I had to live through the darkness to truly appreciate the light. And it is WONDERFUL light!

If you are in the midst of the fire, take heart. While you probably can't see a bright future, know that your darkness has another side--one of joy that is literally out of this world.

Never give up hope--you have so much ahead of you. This I know to be true!

The Little Things

2011-02-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

It's easy to become obsessed with the big picture--the huge, dynamic things in life that are successes and accomplishments. But in the search for the big things, we often overlook the little things and instead let ourselves become overwhelmed when big things don't work like we think they should.

For instance, this week I became overwhelmed by the amount of homework I'll have in the next four months, and completely ignored the fact that I will be speaking at a church worker's conference next month and assisting in running a young adult's retreat soon after. I let the possibility of stress and insurmountable odds take away the joys of living each day.

See, the little things matter too. When was the last time you saw success in the little things? Maybe it's cleaning and organizing your room, or finishing reading a book you've been working on for months, or simply doing the dishes and admiring your clean kitchen. These are the tiny things that make a difference in your day to day attitude and perspective. Don't forget them, because when the little things fall into place, the big things will too.

Lies, Lies, Everywhere.

2011-01-16T08:50:00.000-08:00

Society does a big injustice to young people, and women of all ages. It's what I call the Cover-Up Lie. Some days I still fight to reject it, but overall, I'm getting better at recognizing the untruth and rejecting it.

I'm speaking from a girls' perspective, so here's the deal. From a young age, girls are told what to look like, what to wear, how to act and how to please. We learn that pink is a norm and black is a no-no. We learn that dolls are acceptable, but fire trucks are not. We learn that the toy stores are split right down the middle--one side of the store is pink, and the other blue. We learn from princess stories and fairy tales that we are to be dainty, delicate and fall into the arms of Prince Charming, who will one day come into our lives and sweep us off our feet.

We are spoiled into thinking that there is an effortless happily ever after if only we'll let ourselves be rescued. You can see it in the dress-up clothes, the make-up salon sets for three year olds and the cell phones six year olds carry around. It's in the core of the Bratz dolls and Barbie's unhealthy and unrealistic proportions. As plastic surgery and cosmetic sales shoot higher each year for younger and younger girls, it's apparent that society's view of beauty is very different from what God's.

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made" - Psalm 139:14

The problems started in Genesis and ever since Eve was lied to, we've been in a destructive pattern. See, people speak from the lies they have been told and believe about themselves. So if a parent tells a child they are worthless, that child grows up believing that and ends up telling their child they are worthless and so on. This makes a lot of sense, especially when insecurities are present. Women have been told by parents, peers, advertisements and society in general that they are not beautiful until they plaster their face in make-up. And even when we know this isn't the truth, it's still hard to fight off.

Insecurities are where Satan slips in and starts whispering lies, and because we often believe it's ourselves talking, we agree with the lies.

I'm not good enough.
I'm not very pretty.
I'm not like her.
I'll never amount to anything.

Every time we agree with the enemy, we're giving him more power to infiltrate our lives. Instead of going along with the lies, we have to learn to recognize them and fight back with God's truth. Pray what the Bible says about your situation.

"But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing" - James 1:4

When we talk to our heart and fuel our lives with God's truth, we take the power out of the enemy's hands and willingly align ourselves with God's will. Only there will His power shine through us and we'll find freedom. The battle for truth is difficult, but it's what creates an inner beauty that radiates to everyone around you.

Hidden Years

2011-01-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

Most people have heard the quote "All of life is a stage" and to a certain degree, it's true. But what we tend to forget is that in everyone's life there is a phenomenon called Hidden Years. They are the days, months and even years when we aren't being seen and praised for our accomplishments and talents. The times when we work behind the scene without recognition, and the times when we are growing and stretching beyond our wildest dreams.

God has a special plan for hidden years. I came to understand this after looking back at my teen years when I was hidden away from society, deeply in pain, yet growing in my knowledge of Christ. I didn't understand at the time what was occurring or why nothing made sense. I wrestled endlessly with God, asking why He had allowed the pain to happen and why I was so lonely and unable to connect with people.

The answer was so simplistic, and to this day I still marvel at it. I hid you away so that you would later be seen better. I silenced your voice so that later you would be heard louder. I allowed depression so that later, you could feel true joy. You didn't talk then, so that you would have something to talk about now.

Wow. But it's true. Because I was so quiet as a child, the fact that I am now a speaker and able to socialize makes my story that much more powerful. I have had countless conversations with others who have or are struggling with social anxiety and am able to connect on an empathetic level. I have been blown away by God's mercy and the fact that, while I don't control my life--He does. And He happens to know what's best for me!

"You are complete in Him" - Colossians 2:10

I tend to get caught up in the details of life--the faults, the failures, the tiny imperfections that each one of us has. All the while, missing the greatest joy--the big picture of saving grace that makes us whole.

Embrace the fact that God has a plan far beyond what you can see today and you'll find beauty you never dreamed existed!

Just Like Mary

2010-12-26T22:26:00.000-08:00

"Then the angel said to her, 'Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God." (Luke 1:30)

I feel a special connection with Mary.

She was young and given a blind command to take the humble position of a vessel for world changing.

"I am waiting in a silent prayer. I am frightened by the load I bear."

I can understand how she felt.

"In a world as cold as stone, must I walk this path alone? Be with me now."

While my experience is vastly different than a young woman given the task of raising the Son of God, I have been given a task that requires my life and unknown sacrifices along the way. I too feel like an unworthy, frightened girl who isn't quite sure what to do. The fear and sheer weight of moving forward at lightening speed into a future that people frowned upon are not strange realities to me either.

"Do you wonder, as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place? But I offer all I am, for the mercy of Your plan. Help me be strong."

The task before me incorporates twenty-two years of experiences, both positive and negative that vary from a lot of people's my age. The trials have been many, and often I found myself asking "Why, God? Why me?" But the answer would remain the same. I made you different--I am preparing you for things that are so much more than you could ever plan.

As painful as it is, I regret very little about my past, because every shattered piece of glass on the floor was one more experience I can now relate to.

The task is overwhelming for two young women (my amazing business partner and I) as we set out to change the world by shining the light of hope in the Bay Area. It is a daunting thing to reach our hands out into the darkness and offer a lifeline to drowning teens around us.

It is easy to feel unprepared, inexperienced and thoroughly not ready for such a huge weight upon us. But God isn't giving us the option to say no. He called us to a monumental task, and we have no choice but to go forward. I keep asking why I have been chosen to be a part of this great plan. Why not someone older, stronger, more outgoing and virtuous than me? Wouldn't they be better for such a job?

But regardless of my doubts, I keep researching, dreaming, and taking steps forward. I am not perfect, nor the ideal example of humility, but for some reason, God saw fit to place me in this role.

I was chosen for such a time as this.

Our time is now. His time is now. Change is coming, and though I so often question if I'm the right girl for such a job, He hasn't taken back the call. That is not the change. The change lies within my heart, as I seek God's comfort and strength and set out on a journey into the treacherous unknown. It will be difficult. It won't be safe. But that's the part that keeps us seeking and searching for wisdom and truth. That's where the success is found--in being wholeheartedly willing to be the vessel, and dedicated to following the call, even when it is desperately beyond our human understanding.

Lyrics from "Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)" by Amy Grant

Waiting Out the Pain

2010-12-01T09:24:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning to a shooting pain that I can do nothing about. Every couple of months this happens as an accompaniment to my chronic illness. Again I found myself whining to God, Why does this happen to me? Why now? I am already too stressed this week, I don't need THIS! I can't do this!

Nothing.

Eventually I grew tired of whining and started asking better questions. Okay, fine. Why is this pain here now? What purpose does it hold in my life right now? What do you want to teach me through this?

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."(1 Thessalonians 5:18)

"For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13)

God is a patient parent, but He does not reward whining. He is attentive to His children's cries, but He instructs us to that fateful word: trust. He wants our complete and ultimate trust that He, the giver of all good things, has enough power to give us strength and victory.

In the meantime, my lesson is to accept that life is full of setbacks, challenges and disappointments, but if I take His hand and believe deliverance is on the other side, the wait through the pain is more than worth it.

This week is my test. Who will I put my faith in? Myself? Medicine? Or the God who wants so much more for me than what I've settled for?

The Deafening Silence

2010-11-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

Meredith Andrews has a song called "Can Anybody Hear Me?" and some days I just put that song on replay and cry.

Do you know what it's like to never be heard?

I do.

I also know what it's like to be heard, and it's an amazing feeling. But for the most part, silence surrounds me.

Maybe you've been there. You're quiet, socially anxious and fearful of people's judgments. It's a valid concern--the world is full of harsh critics eager to rip your faith and innocent hope away. However, there are a lot of gentle, caring people in the world too. The sad thing about this all is that we who are quiet usually have a hardened view of reality/society and assume that everyone is out to hurt us, so we put up the walls, lock ourselves away and throw away the key--all in the name of protection.

While it is momentary protection, the walls eventually grow stronger with time and soon they are solid brick. At that point, it's really hard to break them down. Has anyone had to get out the jackhammer to get through your barriers? Yeah, I know that feeling too. =)

"I know You're here with me, I just need the faith to see. Nothing can separate me from Your love"

On the opposite spectrum of walls is open pastures. These aren't necessarily good either, because we can easily let in people who can, and probably will, hurt us. So where's the balance?

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" - Proverbs 4:23

Guarding your heart is not putting up 10 foot walls, or letting people walk right in. It is healthy boundaries, recognizing the signals you're giving others, thinking with your brain and not your heart, and keeping in constant communication with God. Our first mistake happens when we do a two-minute devotional each day and leave it at that. I'm starting to recognize the wisdom in continual prayer and reflection--sizing myself up by God's standards and how His Word says I need to live my life.

He may feel far away, but He's still there. Calmly waiting for you to come to Him and ask for help. You may pray but hear nothing. This doesn't mean He's not listening, instead He's probably trying to get you to listen closer, to trust in Him. To believe that when He says you are a precious creation--His treasure to be exact--He is telling the truth.

It may sound silent, but try something that our culture doesn't value: Just Listen.

Lost: Depression & Suicide Prevention - what would you do to save a life?

2010-11-20T21:14:00.001-08:00

"Why am I even alive anymore? I don't understand. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. Nothing matters anymore. I'm sick and tired of being the living dead." 10-16-07

Two years ago I lost my reason to live. I was so depressed I could barely make it through the day, and even then it was all a daze. It took over a year of treatment and therapy to even see the sunshine again. For this reason, I've committed my life to making a difference. My life verse sums it up: "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice" (Proverbs 31:8-9)

"I'm falling...drowning...locked in an emotionless closet. I can't let it out and I can't keep it in. I can't deal with the worry and stress and it's tearing my heart out." 3-7-06

The Adolescent Mental Health Initiative estimates that at least 1 in 8 teens struggle with depression. Because depression often leads to suicidal thoughts, it is understandable that 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of death. Furthermore, suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for ages 15-24 and the 5th for ages 5-14 year olds. Regardless of age, in the U.S. someone dies by suicide every 16 minutes, but an attempt is made every minute (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention).

The reasons behind depression and suicidal feelings are complicated and vary for each person. But the fact is, it hurts. We feel extremely guilty, hopeless, worthless, anxious, isolated, lonely and very very alone. We feel these mostly because of past circumstances or chemical imbalances, but also partly because most people don't understand or show they care.

While none of us have the power to actually save someone's life, we do have the ability to help people find hope again. First, you can do some simple things: talk, listen, hug, and love those who are hurting. You can get down to their level, understand, encourage and pour into their lives. You can watch for suicide warning signs: making a plan, giving away possessions, changes in behavior, slipping grades, increased self-medicating, etc. and listen when you hear or see them. Coming alongside someone who's hurting--helping them reach out to professionals and get on the path to healing is the most important thing you could ever do.

Resources: http://www.twloha.org/ (To Write Love On Her Arms)
http://www.yspp.org/ (Youth Suicide Prevention Program)
1-800-SUICIDE (National Suicide Prevention Hotline)

Remember, you are not alone. <3

The Walls Are Coming Down

2010-11-15T17:08:00.001-08:00

"Oh, no, my walls are going to break, so close it's more than I can take. I'm so tired of turning and running away when love just isn't safe." - Britt Nicole "Safe"

You're been hurt. People may have abused, ridiculed, bullied, manipulated, or trapped you. You probably feel like it's not safe to love and you have every right to feel that way.

The stats are currently that 1 in 3 girls will be abused by age 18 and the chances of abuse during a lifetime is 1 in 2. For young men the stats are about 1 in 6 being abused before 18 years old.

These are gloomy statistics and there seems so little we can do. I can attest to this fact because as a survivor of childhood abuse, I am a part of that statistic and nearly every doom-ful statement about abuse victims, self-injury, suicide, depression and all the rest.

Every memory has eaten away at my heart, burning away the joy and hope--replacing them with bitterness, anger and hatred. I'd give anything to be whole again.

Do you know what it's like to never be heard?

Do you know what it's like to literally feel the pain as your body wastes away and your soul dies?

That's what every abuse victim feels.

The world is hopeless and black and there is no light. Happiness is acidic and nothing is worth it.

We lose ourselves, our passions, our hopes and dreams. We cry all the time or can't cry at all. We assume that it's our fault we're being/been hurt and expect it to happen again. We're stuck in a horrible pattern of abusive relationships that we can't seem to escape. Why? Because it's easier to stay where you're comfortable--stick with the norm, and that is usually with guys or girls who take advantage of us.

Lost and alone, life as it should be ceases to exist.

Chances are you've been there or know someone close to you who has. Empty promises, endless battles and countless tears later, you're left with shards of glass slipping through your fingers representing the leftovers from your life.

Thankfully through it all, I am more than a statistic. There was a time when I was defined by the pain, but my soul has been resurrected with new life. I am not over the hurt, but I am recovering. I am healing and accepting God's healing love every day.

"Those damaged goods you see in your reflection, love sees them differently, love sees perfection... You're not the worthless they made you feel, there is a love they can never steal away." - Matthew West "Broken Girl"

It's hard to trust after everything has been ripped from you. It's a challenge to let God take control of your life once all the control has been taken from you. But, please hear me when I say there is hope. It can seem so dark, but there is a light in the distance.

I have watched so many people take the first step from darkness to hope, and it is a beautiful thing. It starts with a very simple thing: breaking your silence. If you are a victim of any kind of abuse, I encourage you to speak up. Tell your story. It's an amazing thing, but every time you tell your story, the abuse loses some of it's power. The more you talk, the less it hurts. It's your story to share, and it will make a difference.

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God" - Isaiah 43

The world may seem really dark right now. Trust could be a foreign word. But I promise you this, if you take the first small step of faith, you will begin the journey to freedom and wholeness. You don't have to believe it will happen, just know that it won't be like this forever.

The Power of Testimony

2010-11-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

Three weeks ago I had the opportunity to share my life story with a small group of young adults. All eyes were on me as I opened my heart about the painful experiences I'd been through and how God is putting my broken pieces back together.

I held back tears and became vulnerable while the silence filled the room. It was difficult, even though I've shared my testimony on several occasions because I feared that I would be judged and would lose the group's approval.

No such thing happened, of course. In fact, last weekend at a retreat, one of the girls shared that some of the things I had said had stayed with her for two weeks. As she cried, I cried and felt the warmth of value surround me. See, I have a fear of not being heard, not being noticed and not being valued for who I truly am. Hearing that my story impacts people is the greatest gift anyone could ever give me because it means my pain is worth it. I am making a difference because of where I have been. I am not defined by my past, but it is a part of me, shaping me, making me stronger.

"You're either in a storm, going into one or coming out of one. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."

Keep persevering. Your day's just begun.

To Write Love On Her Arms

2010-04-09T21:15:00.001-07:00

TWLOHA is an amazing organization dedicated to raising awareness about depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. They have the support of many bands, stores and individuals all over the world, which means they are doing a fantastic job!

One of their slogans is "Love Is The Movement" and they strive to encourage people to show love to everyone because you never know when a caring world could be saving a life. On the same note, a hurtful world could be ending one, so it's a reminder to watch our words.

For more info, visit their website: www.twloha.com

Recently, a book telling the story of how they came to be was published. Please check it out:

It can be purchased through the TWLOHA online store.

Dancing In The Rain: more than a dream

2010-02-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of ideas for how Dancing In the Rain Foundation can actually become an organization that offers a teen community and crisis center. It's not just a faint dream, but real solid steps.

They start March 5 & 6 as I speak at BASS (Bay Area Sunday School Convention). I will be leading four workshops on different teen issues: abuse, eating disorders, depression/suicide, and girls ministry. As I prepare for these sessions I am blown away by the grace God has granted me each step of the way. I shouldn't have the time to plan these workshops, yet I have found plenty of time to research, study and pray into them. I shouldn't have the experience or ability to talk on any of these topics, but by His unending mercy and healing I not only have the experiences, but also the healing to speak freely about it. And it blows me away!

Sometimes I look at where God has put me in life right now and I cry just at the knowledge that I have come so far...and yet still have so far to go...but overall, He has never left my side--never left me alone, and never told me to do it by myself.

I face two very difficult weeks ahead of me, but I know I will get through it--thriving--because God walks with me. More like carries me through times like this, but still! =)

Be blessed and free!

Livin' the Love

2010-01-29T16:33:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking about love a lot lately.

God's love. True love. Sisterly love.

We use the term so off-hand that we can't even be sure what we mean by it anymore! I love my classes, I love my co-workers and I love chocolate. Hmm...those are so not the same kind of love!!!

But mostly, I've been thinking about God's perfect love. How He is sooo crazy about us, He turned His back on His only Son so that we could be united with Him. The fact that He keeps pursuing us--wooing us--for a relationship is reason enough to be overwhelmed by a love we can never return in equal magnitude.

The worship song "How He Loves" says it so well... "He is jealous for me...if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking... Oh, how He love us so, oh how He loves us, how He loves us so!"

Being involved in youth ministry has given me a chance to see how deep my love can go. And let me tell you, there are times when it is short-lived! As I look at these amazing, hurting, confused and talented teens, I'm reminded that we are to love them as Christ loves us--unconditionally, with no exceptions or expectations. It's hard...so very hard, but as I look into their faces I see dreams and futures that they might not be able to see. Our job is to help them realize those dreams and live them out.

That I can do!

2010-01-01T16:00:00.000-08:00

Taking Chances

2009-11-25T19:04:00.000-08:00

Love is a chance we should take...
Don't let your fire burn out
Somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe
Stand Out...
-Britt Nicole "The Lost Get Found"

Nothing in life is guaranteed safe. I have learned in the past few days that safety can slip through your fingers in a split second. However, just because we know we can't always be truly safe, should it affect our behavior? Should I live each moment scared, anxious and ready to have a panic attack? Or should I live with a hope that everything will be okay?

Fear is a subject dear to my heart because most of my life I've been plagued with deep deep anxiety. Feeling safe wasn't an option through childhood, and teen struggles brought up issues I'd rather have left hidden.

One of my favorite quotes says this...
“The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and lives in the depth of our soul. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings can be numbed and manipulated, our perception shamed and confused, our bodies tricked with medication. But our soul never forgets. And because we are one, one whole soul in one body, someday our body will present its bill.”
-Alice Miller

I found that to be true in my life. Everything I'd tried to push away came flooding back on me and sent me spiraling. God's grace alone has allowed freedom to gradually take the place of bondage.

But here's the deal. Love is an awfully risky thing...whether it's romantic, loving a rebellious child/teen, or even a close friend. Why? Because people hurt us. They dump us, delete us, move away, move on, turn on us, and abandon us. A few years ago I made a list of all the people I'd "lost" by various ways and the number was staggering. In Britt Nicole's words... "I'm strong enough, I told myself, I never want to need somebody else"...simply because it feels safer to rely only on ourselves.

In my life love has been a twisted concept. What I was told love was and how it was shown to me were very different things. People came into my life, took everything and left without a word. People made me believe I could trust them and threw it back in my face. It hasn't been easy by any means.

But, even though love doesn't seem safe, I still have a desire to be loved...and to love with all my broken, shattered heart. Because God is putting the pieces back together. I spent years believing I was truly unlovable. I hated myself, felt like a failure, and settled for anything that resembled love. It was a mistake. Over and over again. See, I craved love because God created us to be lovers and to be loved. He loved us perfectly so that we can pass that on to those around us.

I still struggle with feeling unlovable, but I know that even when I don't see it, people do really care. And regardless of how people view me, I have a heavenly Father who loves me sooo incredibly much. He'd do anything for me and sees me as His beautiful daughter. I am beloved. His beloved.

What's it going to cost you?

2009-03-31T18:00:00.000-07:00

What's it going to cost you?

To listen to what God's trying to teach you that is.

Our culture tells us that it's not cool to follow God. That living a "religious fanatic" lifestyle isn't hip, up-to-date or culturally relevant.

The point being?

If you live in 2009, and you try to follow God, you'll probably go through some persecution for your faith.

Needless to say, the result of this is that many teens turn away.

What happens to them?

Well, I think they learn the high cost of not listening. What's it going to cost you for God to get your attention? How much are you willing to pay?

It's been said that pain is God's megaphone--that He'll drill and hammer at our lives until He gets through to our hearts.

Now does that mean that all pain is because we've done something wrong? By no means! But pain is how God speaks to us--teaches us, molds us, crafts us, and ultimately--uses us. Rather than punishment--it's discipline, teaching and mentoring from a Father who cares sooo much about us--He can't stand to lose us.

The point is, pain has purpose. And if you haven't been listening--tune in. He might just have something to tell you.

Broken Silence: NaNoWriMo 2008

2008-10-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

National Novel Writing Month, lovingly called NaNoWriMo is in November, so in the true taste of a writer who has officially lost her mind, I am going to write a teen realistic novel. =)

Broken Silence is the story of Brigitta, a fifteen-year-old trying to overcome fear and anger related to childhood sexual abuse. She's never been able to trust people much--especially guys, and understandably so. Well, Jake is the kind of guy who doesn't seem to mind a jumpy, over-sensitive, analytical girlfriend, so he keeps offering a relationship to Bri. But even that gets complicated when she makes the decision that will affect the rest of her life: breaking her silence about the abuse. And if her world crashes at her feet...who will be there to catch her?

I love this book. I love this project. First, because it's my story, and that of so many of my friends. But also because it's a subject no one wants to talk about. And I think that's a horrible mistake. I hope to write a clean, inspiration, but brutally honest book for the mainstream teen market that will make people stop and think.

For more updates on my novel, please visit:
My website: http://www.laurafarrar.webs.com
My NaNo page: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/407161

The Self-Injury Epidemic

2008-06-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

Thirteen movie clips: The Last Night by Skillet

I was browsing through youtube.com, when I found this terrifyingly real and gripping collection of clips from the movie, "Thirteen", a shocking look at teen pop culture.

What a heartbreaking, yet compelling wake-up call to our generation. I've heard a lot of bad things about the film, but all from people criticizing the language, sexuality, and deviant behaviors shown on-screen, including cutting.

However, Christians and unbelievers alike should go see this movie, if nothing else but to realize that our teens are hurting. Are we supposed to ignore what happens in the darkest parts of adolescents' souls? Why is it so bad to show a girl cutting herself with a razor blade?

I am no stranger to self-injury. I was a self-injurer for many years. I dabbled in all sorts of behaviors, including cutting, and I was a Christian the whole time. In my youth work, I've found so many middle and high school students who have tried SI, and those numbers will continue to rise, unless we do something about it.

Don't understand why a teen would want to cut their skin? Go watch the movie. Go look at pictures on google. Go see a few homemade music videos on youtube by typing in "self-injury awareness".

I am convinced that just reading about it isn't going to be enough for the church and society. Until you see it. See their pain. Watch their tears. See their blood...you won't be able to feel their pain.

Do it for your children. For your students. For every teen in the world who feels that no one cares

Diary of Teen Angst

2008-04-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

Fall 2007

“It’s not fair, God!”

I was once again complaining to God.

“Why did You put the dream to be a youth leader on my heart all year, lead me to believe it would happen, and then rip it away from me in the form of ‘a new rule for the best of the ministry’???”

I was wailing now.

“Why? I demand to know why.”

Nothing.
No one to dry the tears.
No one to soothe the ache.
No one to fill the void.

“Are You even there anymore?”

I’m always here.

“Hah. Hang on a minute. Then please explain why nothing good ever happens to me. Where were You:

the 5 plus years he did the unspeakable.
the 3 years she lay hovering between life and death.
the 13 years of social shunning.
the 16 years of fear.
the 16 years of loneliness.
the 5 years of depression.
the 3 years of stomach pain.
the 2 years of severe anxiety and panic attacks.
the nights I cry myself to sleep.
the days they ignore my existance.
the night I picked up the blade.
the hopelessness.
the nights I’ve wanted to swallow the bottle of pills.

Where were You???”

I was there.
Protecting you from being treated worse.
Giving her strength to survive.
Being your only friend.
Holding your hand.
Standing beside you.
Comforting your heart.
Building your tolerance.
Bringing people to stay with you and calm you down.
Singing you to sleep.
Teaching you independence.
Letting you learn to understand.
Planning your purpose.
Saving your life.

“Oh. Well. It didn’t feel like You were there...”

I know. I know it hurt

“But what am I supposed to do now?
You take all my friends. Rip them away.
Take away my ministry.
My dream
My life."

Except.

It’s not meant against you. It’s for the best. I promise. I have something better in mind.

“Like what, Lord?”

A more focused, personal ministry.
I’m teaching you patience, love, perserverence.
Find yourself, focus on Me first.
Adore me, and it will fall into place.

“But I wanted it so badly!”

I know.
But you’re not ready.
You need to grow.
Clean out your closet.
All the stuff you’ve been storing too long and it’s starting to weigh on your heart.
You need to work through it.
Learn some life skills. Gain confidence. Self-esteem. Trust. God-esteem.
Learn that your life isn’t measured alone by what you do. But rather who you are.

The tears still came.
The ache was still there.
The void didn't disappeared.

But my life? It was intact.
The ups and downs of chemical imbalances? Most definitely present.
My passion? Accounted for. It never faded... only grew.

Remember...

It’s just a challenge. A bump in the road, so to speak.

During trials, take a look at your faith. Is it stronger than ever?

Even in the Darkness, the Night shall be Light around You

2008-03-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite quotes momentarily is "every shadow is evidence of sun". I'm pretty sure it's from a song, but I can't recall which one at the moment.

Personal events have recently driven me to the feet of my Savior, calling for wisdom and strength that I do not have. I'm not sure why I doubt His grace, but I've come to find out that He really does care (of course). =]

Troubled times come, and someday, they'll go. Then they'll come back, and eventually they'll pass on. I'm no stranger to struggles, but I always get spoiled in the good times.

I recently was confiding in a close friend and she told me that the strength I'm gaining out of these troubles is obvious. Never had I thought about what I was gaining in the darkness, only what I was losing.

In the end, I keep believing, trusting, and knowing that God will see me through. I know the sun is behind the clouds!

Soul Sufficiency

2008-02-18T10:09:00.000-08:00

You carry me

when I've lost

all my strength

when I've given up

You prove to me

You are my soul's

sufficiency

by Laura N. Farrar

Published in:

Teenlight, Summer 2005

Encounter, September 24, 2006