“It’s not fair, God!”
I was once again complaining to God.
“Why did You put the dream to be a youth leader on my heart all year, lead me to believe it would happen, and then rip it away from me in the form of ‘a new rule for the best of the ministry’???”
I was wailing now.
“Why? I demand to know why.”
No one to dry the tears.
No one to soothe the ache.
No one to fill the void.
“Are You even there anymore?”
I’m always here.
“Hah. Hang on a minute. Then please explain why nothing good ever happens to me. Where were You:
the 5 plus years he did the unspeakable.
the 3 years she lay hovering between life and death.
the 13 years of social shunning.
the 16 years of fear.
the 16 years of loneliness.
the 5 years of depression.
the 3 years of stomach pain.
the 2 years of severe anxiety and panic attacks.
the nights I cry myself to sleep.
the days they ignore my existance.
the night I picked up the blade.
the nights I’ve wanted to swallow the bottle of pills.
Where were You???”
I was there.
Protecting you from being treated worse.
Giving her strength to survive.
Being your only friend.
Holding your hand.
Standing beside you.
Comforting your heart.
Building your tolerance.
Bringing people to stay with you and calm you down.
Singing you to sleep.
Teaching you independence.
Letting you learn to understand.
Planning your purpose.
Saving your life.
“Oh. Well. It didn’t feel like You were there...”
I know. I know it hurt
“But what am I supposed to do now?
You take all my friends. Rip them away.
Take away my ministry.
It’s not meant against you. It’s for the best. I promise. I have something better in mind.
“Like what, Lord?”
A more focused, personal ministry.
I’m teaching you patience, love, perserverence.
Find yourself, focus on Me first.
Adore me, and it will fall into place.
“But I wanted it so badly!”
But you’re not ready.
You need to grow.
Clean out your closet.
All the stuff you’ve been storing too long and it’s starting to weigh on your heart.
You need to work through it.
Learn some life skills. Gain confidence. Self-esteem. Trust. God-esteem.
Learn that your life isn’t measured alone by what you do. But rather who you are.
The tears still came.
The ache was still there.
The void didn't disappeared.
But my life? It was intact.
The ups and downs of chemical imbalances? Most definitely present.
My passion? Accounted for. It never faded... only grew.
It’s just a challenge. A bump in the road, so to speak.
During trials, take a look at your faith. Is it stronger than ever?