Thursday, September 8, 2011

Confessions of a 20-Something: I don't know who I am


We hear all about how adolescence is about finding out who we are, what we like and how that prepares us for adulthood.

Well, today, as a twentysomething, I'm making a confession: I still don't know who I am.

Some days I see the Laura who loves people, who is gentle and kind, who smiles, laughs and encourages others. She is a blessing to people and she's glimpses of the woman of God I aspire to be one day. But the problem with this Laura is that she's transient. Oh so quickly she can turn into depressed Laura, anxious Laura, angry Laura, or worse yet, destructive Laura who can take out her frustrations on herself and others. On days when she gets up grumpy and continues through the day with short remarks and a frown, she scares me. And I don't know who she is. So many times I think to myself, she can't possibly be me. I don't even recognize her!

I know she's not the Laura God created me to be. I know she's not the woman of God who mentors and counsel's teens; who advocates and educates youth leaders about the hard issues in mental health and society. I cannot help by stand back and stare at her, appalled that she is a part of me.

In my mind I can visualize the strong, joyful woman I want to become, and sometimes I catch reflections of her in myself. But reality is stronger and many days I can't imagine how I will ever be able to breach the chasm that separates my selfish sinful heart from softening into a woman after God's own heart.

But even in the hard days, the times of defeat and discouragement, I press on. It may not be today, tomorrow, or even months from now, but one day I am confident that GOD will mold my heart into a vessel He can use. I will keep trying, keep pursuing, keep seeking until I change--because I've learned it's not so much the finished result that will satisfy me, but rather the daily journey to get there.

**Ally Spotts is hosting a blog series where twentysomethings are sharing their confessions. Check them out here.