Love is a chance we should take...
Don't let your fire burn out
Somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe
Stand Out...
-Britt Nicole "The Lost Get Found"
Nothing in life is guaranteed safe. I have learned in the past few days that safety can slip through your fingers in a split second. However, just because we know we can't always be truly safe, should it affect our behavior? Should I live each moment scared, anxious and ready to have a panic attack? Or should I live with a hope that everything will be okay?
Fear is a subject dear to my heart because most of my life I've been plagued with deep deep anxiety. Feeling safe wasn't an option through childhood, and teen struggles brought up issues I'd rather have left hidden.
One of my favorite quotes says this...
“The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body and lives in the depth of our soul. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings can be numbed and manipulated, our perception shamed and confused, our bodies tricked with medication. But our soul never forgets. And because we are one, one whole soul in one body, someday our body will present its bill.”
-Alice Miller
I found that to be true in my life. Everything I'd tried to push away came flooding back on me and sent me spiraling. God's grace alone has allowed freedom to gradually take the place of bondage.
But here's the deal. Love is an awfully risky thing...whether it's romantic, loving a rebellious child/teen, or even a close friend. Why? Because people hurt us. They dump us, delete us, move away, move on, turn on us, and abandon us. A few years ago I made a list of all the people I'd "lost" by various ways and the number was staggering. In Britt Nicole's words... "I'm strong enough, I told myself, I never want to need somebody else"...simply because it feels safer to rely only on ourselves.
In my life love has been a twisted concept. What I was told love was and how it was shown to me were very different things. People came into my life, took everything and left without a word. People made me believe I could trust them and threw it back in my face. It hasn't been easy by any means.
But, even though love doesn't seem safe, I still have a desire to be loved...and to love with all my broken, shattered heart. Because God is putting the pieces back together. I spent years believing I was truly unlovable. I hated myself, felt like a failure, and settled for anything that resembled love. It was a mistake. Over and over again. See, I craved love because God created us to be lovers and to be loved. He loved us perfectly so that we can pass that on to those around us.
I still struggle with feeling unlovable, but I know that even when I don't see it, people do really care. And regardless of how people view me, I have a heavenly Father who loves me sooo incredibly much. He'd do anything for me and sees me as His beautiful daughter. I am beloved. His beloved.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
What's it going to cost you?
What's it going to cost you?
To listen to what God's trying to teach you that is.
Our culture tells us that it's not cool to follow God. That living a "religious fanatic" lifestyle isn't hip, up-to-date or culturally relevant.
The point being?
If you live in 2009, and you try to follow God, you'll probably go through some persecution for your faith.
Needless to say, the result of this is that many teens turn away.
What happens to them?
Well, I think they learn the high cost of not listening. What's it going to cost you for God to get your attention? How much are you willing to pay?
It's been said that pain is God's megaphone--that He'll drill and hammer at our lives until He gets through to our hearts.
Now does that mean that all pain is because we've done something wrong? By no means! But pain is how God speaks to us--teaches us, molds us, crafts us, and ultimately--uses us. Rather than punishment--it's discipline, teaching and mentoring from a Father who cares sooo much about us--He can't stand to lose us.
The point is, pain has purpose. And if you haven't been listening--tune in. He might just have something to tell you.
To listen to what God's trying to teach you that is.
Our culture tells us that it's not cool to follow God. That living a "religious fanatic" lifestyle isn't hip, up-to-date or culturally relevant.
The point being?
If you live in 2009, and you try to follow God, you'll probably go through some persecution for your faith.
Needless to say, the result of this is that many teens turn away.
What happens to them?
Well, I think they learn the high cost of not listening. What's it going to cost you for God to get your attention? How much are you willing to pay?
It's been said that pain is God's megaphone--that He'll drill and hammer at our lives until He gets through to our hearts.
Now does that mean that all pain is because we've done something wrong? By no means! But pain is how God speaks to us--teaches us, molds us, crafts us, and ultimately--uses us. Rather than punishment--it's discipline, teaching and mentoring from a Father who cares sooo much about us--He can't stand to lose us.
The point is, pain has purpose. And if you haven't been listening--tune in. He might just have something to tell you.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Broken Silence: NaNoWriMo 2008
National Novel Writing Month, lovingly called NaNoWriMo is in November, so in the true taste of a writer who has officially lost her mind, I am going to write a teen realistic novel. =)
Broken Silence is the story of Brigitta, a fifteen-year-old trying to overcome fear and anger related to childhood sexual abuse. She's never been able to trust people much--especially guys, and understandably so. Well, Jake is the kind of guy who doesn't seem to mind a jumpy, over-sensitive, analytical girlfriend, so he keeps offering a relationship to Bri. But even that gets complicated when she makes the decision that will affect the rest of her life: breaking her silence about the abuse. And if her world crashes at her feet...who will be there to catch her?
I love this book. I love this project. First, because it's my story, and that of so many of my friends. But also because it's a subject no one wants to talk about. And I think that's a horrible mistake. I hope to write a clean, inspiration, but brutally honest book for the mainstream teen market that will make people stop and think.
For more updates on my novel, please visit:
My website: http://www.laurafarrar.webs.com
My NaNo page: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/407161
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The Self-Injury Epidemic
Thirteen movie clips: The Last Night by Skillet
I was browsing through youtube.com, when I found this terrifyingly real and gripping collection of clips from the movie, "Thirteen", a shocking look at teen pop culture.
What a heartbreaking, yet compelling wake-up call to our generation. I've heard a lot of bad things about the film, but all from people criticizing the language, sexuality, and deviant behaviors shown on-screen, including cutting.
However, Christians and unbelievers alike should go see this movie, if nothing else but to realize that our teens are hurting. Are we supposed to ignore what happens in the darkest parts of adolescents' souls? Why is it so bad to show a girl cutting herself with a razor blade?
I am no stranger to self-injury. I was a self-injurer for many years. I dabbled in all sorts of behaviors, including cutting, and I was a Christian the whole time. In my youth work, I've found so many middle and high school students who have tried SI, and those numbers will continue to rise, unless we do something about it.
Don't understand why a teen would want to cut their skin? Go watch the movie. Go look at pictures on google. Go see a few homemade music videos on youtube by typing in "self-injury awareness".
I am convinced that just reading about it isn't going to be enough for the church and society. Until you see it. See their pain. Watch their tears. See their blood...you won't be able to feel their pain.
Do it for your children. For your students. For every teen in the world who feels that no one cares
I was browsing through youtube.com, when I found this terrifyingly real and gripping collection of clips from the movie, "Thirteen", a shocking look at teen pop culture.
What a heartbreaking, yet compelling wake-up call to our generation. I've heard a lot of bad things about the film, but all from people criticizing the language, sexuality, and deviant behaviors shown on-screen, including cutting.
However, Christians and unbelievers alike should go see this movie, if nothing else but to realize that our teens are hurting. Are we supposed to ignore what happens in the darkest parts of adolescents' souls? Why is it so bad to show a girl cutting herself with a razor blade?
I am no stranger to self-injury. I was a self-injurer for many years. I dabbled in all sorts of behaviors, including cutting, and I was a Christian the whole time. In my youth work, I've found so many middle and high school students who have tried SI, and those numbers will continue to rise, unless we do something about it.
Don't understand why a teen would want to cut their skin? Go watch the movie. Go look at pictures on google. Go see a few homemade music videos on youtube by typing in "self-injury awareness".
I am convinced that just reading about it isn't going to be enough for the church and society. Until you see it. See their pain. Watch their tears. See their blood...you won't be able to feel their pain.
Do it for your children. For your students. For every teen in the world who feels that no one cares
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Diary of Teen Angst
Fall 2007
“It’s not fair, God!”
I was once again complaining to God.
“Why did You put the dream to be a youth leader on my heart all year, lead me to believe it would happen, and then rip it away from me in the form of ‘a new rule for the best of the ministry’???”
I was wailing now.
“Why? I demand to know why.”
Nothing.
No one to dry the tears.
No one to soothe the ache.
No one to fill the void.
“Are You even there anymore?”
I’m always here.
“Hah. Hang on a minute. Then please explain why nothing good ever happens to me. Where were You:
the 5 plus years he did the unspeakable.
the 3 years she lay hovering between life and death.
the 13 years of social shunning.
the 16 years of fear.
the 16 years of loneliness.
the 5 years of depression.
the 3 years of stomach pain.
the 2 years of severe anxiety and panic attacks.
the nights I cry myself to sleep.
the days they ignore my existance.
the night I picked up the blade.
the hopelessness.
the nights I’ve wanted to swallow the bottle of pills.
Where were You???”
I was there.
Protecting you from being treated worse.
Giving her strength to survive.
Being your only friend.
Holding your hand.
Standing beside you.
Comforting your heart.
Building your tolerance.
Bringing people to stay with you and calm you down.
Singing you to sleep.
Teaching you independence.
Letting you learn to understand.
Planning your purpose.
Saving your life.
“Oh. Well. It didn’t feel like You were there...”
I know. I know it hurt
“But what am I supposed to do now?
You take all my friends. Rip them away.
Take away my ministry.
My dream
My life."
Except.
It’s not meant against you. It’s for the best. I promise. I have something better in mind.
“Like what, Lord?”
A more focused, personal ministry.
I’m teaching you patience, love, perserverence.
Find yourself, focus on Me first.
Adore me, and it will fall into place.
“But I wanted it so badly!”
I know.
But you’re not ready.
You need to grow.
Clean out your closet.
All the stuff you’ve been storing too long and it’s starting to weigh on your heart.
You need to work through it.
Learn some life skills. Gain confidence. Self-esteem. Trust. God-esteem.
Learn that your life isn’t measured alone by what you do. But rather who you are.
The tears still came.
The ache was still there.
The void didn't disappeared.
But my life? It was intact.
The ups and downs of chemical imbalances? Most definitely present.
My passion? Accounted for. It never faded... only grew.
Remember...
It’s just a challenge. A bump in the road, so to speak.
During trials, take a look at your faith. Is it stronger than ever?
“It’s not fair, God!”
I was once again complaining to God.
“Why did You put the dream to be a youth leader on my heart all year, lead me to believe it would happen, and then rip it away from me in the form of ‘a new rule for the best of the ministry’???”
I was wailing now.
“Why? I demand to know why.”
Nothing.
No one to dry the tears.
No one to soothe the ache.
No one to fill the void.
“Are You even there anymore?”
I’m always here.
“Hah. Hang on a minute. Then please explain why nothing good ever happens to me. Where were You:
the 5 plus years he did the unspeakable.
the 3 years she lay hovering between life and death.
the 13 years of social shunning.
the 16 years of fear.
the 16 years of loneliness.
the 5 years of depression.
the 3 years of stomach pain.
the 2 years of severe anxiety and panic attacks.
the nights I cry myself to sleep.
the days they ignore my existance.
the night I picked up the blade.
the hopelessness.
the nights I’ve wanted to swallow the bottle of pills.
Where were You???”
I was there.
Protecting you from being treated worse.
Giving her strength to survive.
Being your only friend.
Holding your hand.
Standing beside you.
Comforting your heart.
Building your tolerance.
Bringing people to stay with you and calm you down.
Singing you to sleep.
Teaching you independence.
Letting you learn to understand.
Planning your purpose.
Saving your life.
“Oh. Well. It didn’t feel like You were there...”
I know. I know it hurt
“But what am I supposed to do now?
You take all my friends. Rip them away.
Take away my ministry.
My dream
My life."
Except.
It’s not meant against you. It’s for the best. I promise. I have something better in mind.
“Like what, Lord?”
A more focused, personal ministry.
I’m teaching you patience, love, perserverence.
Find yourself, focus on Me first.
Adore me, and it will fall into place.
“But I wanted it so badly!”
I know.
But you’re not ready.
You need to grow.
Clean out your closet.
All the stuff you’ve been storing too long and it’s starting to weigh on your heart.
You need to work through it.
Learn some life skills. Gain confidence. Self-esteem. Trust. God-esteem.
Learn that your life isn’t measured alone by what you do. But rather who you are.
The tears still came.
The ache was still there.
The void didn't disappeared.
But my life? It was intact.
The ups and downs of chemical imbalances? Most definitely present.
My passion? Accounted for. It never faded... only grew.
Remember...
It’s just a challenge. A bump in the road, so to speak.
During trials, take a look at your faith. Is it stronger than ever?
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Even in the Darkness, the Night shall be Light around You
One of my favorite quotes momentarily is "every shadow is evidence of sun". I'm pretty sure it's from a song, but I can't recall which one at the moment.
Personal events have recently driven me to the feet of my Savior, calling for wisdom and strength that I do not have. I'm not sure why I doubt His grace, but I've come to find out that He really does care (of course). =]
Troubled times come, and someday, they'll go. Then they'll come back, and eventually they'll pass on. I'm no stranger to struggles, but I always get spoiled in the good times.
I recently was confiding in a close friend and she told me that the strength I'm gaining out of these troubles is obvious. Never had I thought about what I was gaining in the darkness, only what I was losing.
In the end, I keep believing, trusting, and knowing that God will see me through. I know the sun is behind the clouds!
Monday, February 18, 2008
Soul Sufficiency
You carry me
when I've lost
all my strength
when I've given up
You prove to me
You are my soul's
sufficiency
by Laura N. Farrar
Published in:
Teenlight, Summer 2005
Encounter, September 24, 2006
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