Bleeding Hearts: the secret shame of self-injury

“by His wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5 NIV)

The shouting from yet another argument rung in my ears. Feeling torn, broken and misunderstood, through dripping eyes I glanced at the drawer where I knew a razor lay. "Just once this time..." Muttering, I grabbed the blade and began to run it across my arm. Not once, but over and over again.

Finally the blade dropped and I bandaged my wounds as a sense of relief came over me. It would be temporary, but it was the only way I knew to control my life and let out the anxiety and pain.

***

Today is Self-Injury Awareness Day.

Most people are at a loss to understand why people choose this form of release to deal with stress in life. Why would someone purposely hurt themselves? Most self-injurious behaviors start in the teenage years when an individual is overwhelmed with circumstances in life and views self-injury (SI) as a way to deal with the pain without hurting anybody else. This is not the reality of it, though, and as one friend told me upon retrospection, "I wish more than anything that back then [when I started self-injuring] I had known how destructive it was."

So what exactly is self-injury? SI is an impulse control disorder used to temporarily calm out of control emotions and anxiety. It can include compulsive cutting, burning, carving, re-opening wounds, hair pulling, scratching, nail/finger biting and skin picking. While studies show that 14-39% of teens have self-injured at least once, the numbers are assumed to be quite higher, as it is a secretive behavior. One very strong correlation that has been found is in abuse victims. Close to 60% of those who self-injure have endured some type of abuse. Sexual abuse is particularly damaging to children and teenagers and many victims turn to SI as a way to punish themselves or literally cut out the imperfections and shame brought on by abuse.

The psychological foundation for SI lies in the belief that the emotional pain they are enduring is too much to handle, but physical pain is manageable, so covering inner pain with outer pain redeems them.

But there is hope. While SI can become an addiction, even that can be broken when replaced with healthy coping alternatives. I suggest starting by creating a list of 10 reasons not to hurt yourself, and countering that with 10 things you can do instead. Keep adding to the list and try to practice alternative methods.

For further help, please check out these resources:
To Write Love On Her Arms
Live Free Journey
S.A.F.E. Alternatives
Scars that Wound, Scars that Heal
Hope and Healing for Kids Who Cut
Inside A Cutter's Mind

Through the Fire

"Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope
You're gonna do great things, I already know."

-"The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets

I used to wonder why the world felt so cold and dark around me. Why I felt like I was drowning without anyone left to listen and save me. I used to cry myself to sleep feeling completely alone in the depths of despair, to quote Anne of Green Gables.

A few years later, I learned a very valuable lesson. There is a reason I was allowed to feel such deep pain.

See, even the darkest night gives way to dawn. The angriest storm still creates a rainbow. And the deepest depression can open the doors to the greatest joy.

"Even the night shall be light around me; Indeed the darkness shall not hide from You, but the night shines as the day" - Psalm 139:11-12 (NKJV)

God knew that my pain was for a greater purpose, so He allowed it for a season. Not in spite, or to get enjoyment out of my suffering, but rather as a discipline for a greater good. I was going through the fire so that I might come out pure and filled with beauty.

In the past few years I have been learning to overcome depression on a daily basis, and have begun to experience true joy. I never could understand before that one can only feel as high as they have been low. I had to live through the darkness to truly appreciate the light. And it is WONDERFUL light!

If you are in the midst of the fire, take heart. While you probably can't see a bright future, know that your darkness has another side--one of joy that is literally out of this world.

Never give up hope--you have so much ahead of you. This I know to be true!

The Little Things

It's easy to become obsessed with the big picture--the huge, dynamic things in life that are successes and accomplishments. But in the search for the big things, we often overlook the little things and instead let ourselves become overwhelmed when big things don't work like we think they should.

For instance, this week I became overwhelmed by the amount of homework I'll have in the next four months, and completely ignored the fact that I will be speaking at a church worker's conference next month and assisting in running a young adult's retreat soon after. I let the possibility of stress and insurmountable odds take away the joys of living each day.

See, the little things matter too. When was the last time you saw success in the little things? Maybe it's cleaning and organizing your room, or finishing reading a book you've been working on for months, or simply doing the dishes and admiring your clean kitchen. These are the tiny things that make a difference in your day to day attitude and perspective. Don't forget them, because when the little things fall into place, the big things will too.

Lies, Lies, Everywhere.

Society does a big injustice to young people, and women of all ages. It's what I call the Cover-Up Lie. Some days I still fight to reject it, but overall, I'm getting better at recognizing the untruth and rejecting it.

I'm speaking from a girls' perspective, so here's the deal. From a young age, girls are told what to look like, what to wear, how to act and how to please. We learn that pink is a norm and black is a no-no. We learn that dolls are acceptable, but fire trucks are not. We learn that the toy stores are split right down the middle--one side of the store is pink, and the other blue. We learn from princess stories and fairy tales that we are to be dainty, delicate and fall into the arms of Prince Charming, who will one day come into our lives and sweep us off our feet.

We are spoiled into thinking that there is an effortless happily ever after if only we'll let ourselves be rescued. You can see it in the dress-up clothes, the make-up salon sets for three year olds and the cell phones six year olds carry around. It's in the core of the Bratz dolls and Barbie's unhealthy and unrealistic proportions. As plastic surgery and cosmetic sales shoot higher each year for younger and younger girls, it's apparent that society's view of beauty is very different from what God's.

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made" - Psalm 139:14

The problems started in Genesis and ever since Eve was lied to, we've been in a destructive pattern. See, people speak from the lies they have been told and believe about themselves. So if a parent tells a child they are worthless, that child grows up believing that and ends up telling their child they are worthless and so on. This makes a lot of sense, especially when insecurities are present. Women have been told by parents, peers, advertisements and society in general that they are not beautiful until they plaster their face in make-up. And even when we know this isn't the truth, it's still hard to fight off.

Insecurities are where Satan slips in and starts whispering lies, and because we often believe it's ourselves talking, we agree with the lies.

I'm not good enough.
I'm not very pretty.
I'm not like her.
I'll never amount to anything.

Every time we agree with the enemy, we're giving him more power to infiltrate our lives. Instead of going along with the lies, we have to learn to recognize them and fight back with God's truth. Pray what the Bible says about your situation.

"But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing" - James 1:4

When we talk to our heart and fuel our lives with God's truth, we take the power out of the enemy's hands and willingly align ourselves with God's will. Only there will His power shine through us and we'll find freedom. The battle for truth is difficult, but it's what creates an inner beauty that radiates to everyone around you.

Hidden Years

Most people have heard the quote "All of life is a stage" and to a certain degree, it's true. But what we tend to forget is that in everyone's life there is a phenomenon called Hidden Years. They are the days, months and even years when we aren't being seen and praised for our accomplishments and talents. The times when we work behind the scene without recognition, and the times when we are growing and stretching beyond our wildest dreams.

God has a special plan for hidden years. I came to understand this after looking back at my teen years when I was hidden away from society, deeply in pain, yet growing in my knowledge of Christ. I didn't understand at the time what was occurring or why nothing made sense. I wrestled endlessly with God, asking why He had allowed the pain to happen and why I was so lonely and unable to connect with people.

The answer was so simplistic, and to this day I still marvel at it. I hid you away so that you would later be seen better. I silenced your voice so that later you would be heard louder. I allowed depression so that later, you could feel true joy. You didn't talk then, so that you would have something to talk about now.

Wow. But it's true. Because I was so quiet as a child, the fact that I am now a speaker and able to socialize makes my story that much more powerful. I have had countless conversations with others who have or are struggling with social anxiety and am able to connect on an empathetic level. I have been blown away by God's mercy and the fact that, while I don't control my life--He does. And He happens to know what's best for me!

"You are complete in Him" - Colossians 2:10

I tend to get caught up in the details of life--the faults, the failures, the tiny imperfections that each one of us has. All the while, missing the greatest joy--the big picture of saving grace that makes us whole.

Embrace the fact that God has a plan far beyond what you can see today and you'll find beauty you never dreamed existed!

Just Like Mary

"Then the angel said to her, 'Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God." (Luke 1:30)

I feel a special connection with Mary.

She was young and given a blind command to take the humble position of a vessel for world changing.

"I am waiting in a silent prayer. I am frightened by the load I bear."

I can understand how she felt.

"In a world as cold as stone, must I walk this path alone? Be with me now."

While my experience is vastly different than a young woman given the task of raising the Son of God, I have been given a task that requires my life and unknown sacrifices along the way. I too feel like an unworthy, frightened girl who isn't quite sure what to do. The fear and sheer weight of moving forward at lightening speed into a future that people frowned upon are not strange realities to me either.

"Do you wonder, as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place? But I offer all I am, for the mercy of Your plan. Help me be strong."

The task before me incorporates twenty-two years of experiences, both positive and negative that vary from a lot of people's my age. The trials have been many, and often I found myself asking "Why, God? Why me?" But the answer would remain the same. I made you different--I am preparing you for things that are so much more than you could ever plan.

As painful as it is, I regret very little about my past, because every shattered piece of glass on the floor was one more experience I can now relate to.

The task is overwhelming for two young women (my amazing business partner and I) as we set out to change the world by shining the light of hope in the Bay Area. It is a daunting thing to reach our hands out into the darkness and offer a lifeline to drowning teens around us.

It is easy to feel unprepared, inexperienced and thoroughly not ready for such a huge weight upon us. But God isn't giving us the option to say no. He called us to a monumental task, and we have no choice but to go forward. I keep asking why I have been chosen to be a part of this great plan. Why not someone older, stronger, more outgoing and virtuous than me? Wouldn't they be better for such a job?

But regardless of my doubts, I keep researching, dreaming, and taking steps forward. I am not perfect, nor the ideal example of humility, but for some reason, God saw fit to place me in this role.

I was chosen for such a time as this.

Our time is now. His time is now. Change is coming, and though I so often question if I'm the right girl for such a job, He hasn't taken back the call. That is not the change. The change lies within my heart, as I seek God's comfort and strength and set out on a journey into the treacherous unknown. It will be difficult. It won't be safe. But that's the part that keeps us seeking and searching for wisdom and truth. That's where the success is found--in being wholeheartedly willing to be the vessel, and dedicated to following the call, even when it is desperately beyond our human understanding.

Lyrics from "Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)" by Amy Grant

Waiting Out the Pain

I woke up this morning to a shooting pain that I can do nothing about. Every couple of months this happens as an accompaniment to my chronic illness. Again I found myself whining to God, Why does this happen to me? Why now? I am already too stressed this week, I don't need THIS! I can't do this!

Nothing.

Eventually I grew tired of whining and started asking better questions. Okay, fine. Why is this pain here now? What purpose does it hold in my life right now? What do you want to teach me through this?

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."(1 Thessalonians 5:18)

"For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13)

God is a patient parent, but He does not reward whining. He is attentive to His children's cries, but He instructs us to that fateful word: trust. He wants our complete and ultimate trust that He, the giver of all good things, has enough power to give us strength and victory.

In the meantime, my lesson is to accept that life is full of setbacks, challenges and disappointments, but if I take His hand and believe deliverance is on the other side, the wait through the pain is more than worth it.

This week is my test. Who will I put my faith in? Myself? Medicine? Or the God who wants so much more for me than what I've settled for?